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- What goes "Oooooooooooooo"?
A cow with no lips!
- A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief
and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I
have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused,
Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the
manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're
gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back
at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're
singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Any One??? 
3."Is this your husband?" he
inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No,
not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..
"No,
no, no!!!" She said
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me
before the surgery
4. What goes peck, peck, BANG!!?
A chicken in a minefield.
5. any way snail and a tortoise had a fight, the police interviewed the snail to find out what happened,
I
don't know officer, it all happened so fast!'
6. OAP goes to the doctors "please doctor can u help me. could u check my sperm for me. i dont want to get
my girlfriend pregnant."
Doctor replies " i can assure you that you will never get ur girlfriend pregnant!!"
"ye
but can u test if i'm still fertile, i need to know"
Doctor says " well if u must. here's a pot. go home, fill
the pot, bring it back and we'll test it for you"
OAP goes off home to his girlfriend. comes back to the doctors next
day, pot in hand.
Doctor goes " why is there nothing in the pot? couldnt you manage it?"
Man goes "well you
see doctor, me and my girlfriend tried absolutely everything!! I tried with my right hand, nothing happenned.
Tried with my left, still couldnt do it. i didnt know what was up with me. i think i'm getting weak wristed in
my old age. Then i called my girlfriend in to help. She tried as hard as she could, using left, right, both hands,
even tried a tea towel for extra friction! still nothing happened. We tried everything but we just couldn't do
it. We just could not get the lid off !!."
7. Englishman, Irishman and an Scotsman are in a bar.
Scotsman says...'I called my kid Andrew cos he
was born on St. Andrews day'
Englishman says... 'Thats a coincidence, I called my kid George cos he was born on St. Georges
day'
Irishman says... 'Hey, have you met my son Pancake!!'
8. HUSBAND: will you still love me when i'm old and ugly
WIFE: of course i do dear
9. yes its true, Peter Kay was arrested today for abusing a scouring pad.
Is this the way to harma
brillo?
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